CHEATING HEARTS
DEAR CRABBY, I THINK MY LOVER IS CHEATING ON ME, BUT HOW CAN I KNOW FOR SURE? LOVE YOUR BLOG.
Written by: SNOOPY | 08/09 08:50PM

Snoopy, dahling:

Why are you shouting at Crabby, sweetie? Caps are for heads, not written appeals for advice. I hope you are less angry and/or panic stricken than you sound. It's very possible your lover does not have a cheating heart (or other organs), dahling. So let's try to relax a little, and Crabby will do her best to point out some of the warning signs.

First, if your gut feeling is that you are being cheated on, then there's a good chance you are. Crabby has learned to always trust her instincts, sweetie. Yes, even Crabby was once the tragic victim of a heartless dancer. I was dumped for a younger drag queen, dahling. All the warning signs were there: He was always late for our dates, and Crabby could not help but notice how frequently he was checking his watch. Then after dinner and cocktails (during which he often failed to notice my new perfume and wigs, even after I started wearing my favorite crab apple green one), he was always in a hurry to take me home, sweetie. And the sex was increasingly mechanical and quick. He would come and go in less than three minutes, and did not care if Crabby was satisfied or not.

This kind of callous treatment is not something that Crabby will normally put up with, dahling. But he was handsome and hung. So I swallowed my pride, and made the mistake of letting myself become his fabulous doormat. And even that was not enough for him. After two months of swallowing my pride (and something else I dare not mention), he chucked poor Crabby to the curb, and took up with a much younger drag queen, sweetie. My heart (and spirit) were nearly broken forever. I took to my bed for weeks, and came close to giving all my fabulous heels and wigs to the Salvation Army. So take it from Crabby, sweetie: listen to what your instincts are trying to say to you, be aware of the warning signs, and never, ever let any man reduce you to a doormat. Life's too short, dahling. And there are plenty of men at the ball. So put on your best dancing shoes, and find a partner that will adore every step you take. Never settle for anything less, sweetie.

Onward and upward, dahling,

Crabby